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Champion Sydney jockey Tommy Berry has revealed how an eight-month ban from riding helped him finally come to terms with the death of his twin brother.
Nathan died in 2014 at the age of 23, after collapsing in Singapore and being placed in an induced coma due to a rare condition related to epilepsy.
The pair were two of the most popular and likeable jockeys in the sport before the tragedy, which left surviving twin Tommy distraught but determined to honour his late brother by continuing to race.
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However that determination had a side effect which Berry didn’t realise, until Racing NSW stewards slapped him with a lengthy suspension in January.
Berry was found guilty in a tips-for-benefits scandal in which prominent Gold Coast punter Zaid Miller deposited $15,000 into the bank account of the jockey’s mother. Berry was banned from racing until the Sydney spring carnival began in late September.
It was during this enforced break that the now-32-year-old realised something was wrong.
“I never took any time off after Nathan passed,” Berry explained to Nine’s The Heart of Racing podcast.
“Not taking any time off after he passed, and just trying to work through it, I thought I was trying to do the right thing. It’s been nine years now and it’s the first break I’ve had.
“In that time I turned into a person I never thought I’d be, and never wanted to be.
“In the time I had off I’ve been able to reflect on the nine years since he’s been gone, and if I could say I was proud of the person I was or I became since he was gone… I definitely wasn’t.
“I had to get back to the person that I was when he was around, and that was hard because when he was here everything seemed easy. I had my best friend there, a guy I could turn to at any stage.
“Since he’s been gone – and it sounds selfish because I’ve four beautiful kids and a wife – but my life hasn’t felt complete for a long time, and I’ve had to come to terms with that it never will without him here.
“I’ve had to go back to what me happy when he was here, and the person I was… I haven’t liked myself for a long time.”
Berry admits he was “drinking a lot” and while it wasn’t impacting his riding too much, it was impacting his relationships at home.
“One thing is not having any emotion, not having any feeling. When you lose someone that you love so deeply, and it’s hurt you so much, your feelings switch off and you start to not feel anything,” he said.
“You don’t have any emotions, your emotions are switched off, it’s like you are dead inside. That’s the way I felt for quite a while.
“When you don’t have emotions you make decisions in life that you don’t really care for the consequences so much. I hurt people – whether it was family or friends – over that nine years.
“I had to look at myself and go ‘that’s not you, you’re not that person, you’re better than that’.”
Berry is back in the saddle – having already ridden multiple Sydney carnival winners over the past month – and back to some of his best form.
But it’s the person he now is – not the jockey – that he’s most pleased about.
“I’ve got to liking myself again and doing things that made me happy, made my family happy,” he said.
“I’ve come back into racing now a different person – feeling good, fit, fresh, happy.
“That’s not only showing in my riding, but I think everyone can see that’s had anything to do with me.
“It’s taken me nine years and a disqualification… things happen for a reason and for me (the suspension) was a turning point, it gave me time to grieve.”
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