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Ask Amy: Adoption puzzle comes together slowly

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Dear Amy: Five years ago, late in life, I learned that I was adopted.

Both my birth parents and adoptive parents have all died.

“Janice,” my birth mother, moved out of state to give birth to me, telling only her siblings and a few close friends.

The biological cousins I’ve located were aware of my birth because of whispered conversations, but never spoke directly to Janice about it.

My birth family has been extremely warm and welcoming.

Despite this, they say they don’t want anyone who might have known Janice to find out about my existence, because they believe that is what Janice would have wanted.

I understand wanting to honor her wishes, but I DO exist and the family’s wanting to keep me a secret makes me feel like my birth is shameful.

Furthermore, these family members are ignoring the fact that Janice never wanted them to know about me, either, and yet they are happy to have a relationship with me.

Similarly, my half-brother from my birth father (“Henry”) doesn’t want me contacting Henry’s widow (his stepmother), whom he hasn’t told about me. He believes it would upset her too much to learn that Henry gave up a baby some 30 years before they met.

Speaking with people my birth parents knew might give me perspective on their feelings. I believe this would give me some closure.

I feel I deserve to be acknowledged for who I am and how I came to be.



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