Parenting with ADHD can be overwhelming — but it also offers some ‘gifts,’ say experts | CBC News

Audrey McKinnon remembers the hour she spent this month desperately imploring her 13-year-old son to wake up for school one weekday.

The communications freelancer in Prince George, B.C., could not understand “why he’s fighting me on this.” 

In fact, there was no school that day. And for days he had reminded her of that “multiple times.”

“I completely forgot,” the former CBC journalist, 37, said. “Have I been a forgetful parent and a disorganized parent? Yes, absolutely I have.”

Last year, McKinnon was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Many things began to make sense, she says.

“Being late for things, rushing around, forgetting little things,” she said. “The thing I’ve struggled with as somebody with ADHD is the emotional regulation.

“There’s no reason to judge myself for that … My child knows I’m there for him, I love him, and he can talk to me, those are the important things to me.”

McKinnon is one of a growing cohort of parents being diagnosed with ADHD, a condition that affects people’s executive functioning and ability to regulate their attention, emotions and impulses.

It’s also one that’s extremely common for both parent and child to have — at a rate of more than half, experts say.

“ADHD is highly heritable,” said clinical psychologist Joanne Park, a postdoctoral research fellow at the University of Calgary whose research focuses on families with the disorder.

According to Park, ADHD can make struggles that parents face — such as paying constant attention to potential risks, remembering appointments, or coping with easily overwhelming emotions — even harder.

But that can also help them identify and empathize if their kids show similar symptoms.

CBC News video journalist Emily Fitzpatrick shares how she discovered during the pandemic that she has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She takes us through what led to her diagnosis and how she’s living with it.

‘Experiences reflected in my children’

“One of the biggest things from being treated for ADHD is being able to adopt a lot more patience in my parenting,” said Kiri Vanderwel of Delta, B.C.

Vanderwal remembers when one of her two children started getting easily distracted on playgrounds, struggling to focus, or getting quickly frustrated.

“I see some of my experiences reflected in my children, and the way they think,” Vanderwel said.

“There’s moments of just noticing their inability to prevent an impulse … or seeing something shiny over there and I’m like, ‘Well, actually, we’re on a busy road.'”

ADHD is estimated to affect between five and seven per cent of children, and nearly as many adults, according to the Centre for ADHD Awareness Canada.

Symptoms include trouble focusing or completing difficult tasks, fidgeting or daydreaming, forgetfulness, as well as becoming easily overwhelmed emotionally.

“It’s maybe more difficult or more challenging for a parent with ADHD to regulate their emotions,” Park said.

“I mean, all parents get frustrated with their kids, but a parent with ADHD might have a harder time kind of regulating that emotion to not let it impact how they’re acting with their child.”

But the guidelines psychiatrists use to diagnose the disorder — the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) — does not include one of the most common symptoms, difficulty regulating emotions

The symptoms checklist focuses on inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsivity, explained Dr. Elisabeth Baerg Hall, clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia.

“Emotional regulation challenges are significant for people with ADHD, despite this component not being in the DSM,” the founder of the ADHD Centre told CBC News. “It can be one of the most common reasons ADHD people seek help.”

Research has shown a gender gap, with boys tending to be more highly diagnosed with the disorder than girls. 

As a result, women may not know they have ADHD until later in their lives, Baerg Hall explained.

“These moms suffer in silence,” she said. “Women requesting diagnosis because their child has just been diagnosed is something we are seeing more and more.”

‘More patience in my parenting’

But while the condition brings massive challenges for those with ADHD, it also has positives.

“People with ADHD are creative and innovative people,” said Baerg Hall. “It’s good to focus on the unique strengths and resilience they bring.”

Park agreed that, in families she’s worked with and in research, ADHD doesn’t necessarily only have negative consequences for the children of a parent with the condition.

“It can also bring gifts,” she told CBC News, such as empathy for struggles their child can face, and offering effective strategies to help them focus and compensate for children’s symptoms.

“Being able to engage them on the same level as as they’re engaging with the world … those are all some really huge strengths in these families.”

For Vanderwel, finding an encouraging online community of fellow mothers with ADHD helped her accept herself as a mom with ADHD, she says.

“There’s an entire group of women who are also experiencing that same thing.”