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DEAR ABBY: Right after high school, our son joined the military and left home. We are proud of him and keep in touch mostly by phone because he’s stationed across the country.
Since he has been away, he met a young lady on a dating website. I met her briefly on a quick visit. I had concerns about the relationship, and I shared them with my son. She doesn’t drive, works only intermittently and displayed no desire to get to know me in the short time we had for my visit.
Well, they ended up getting married behind our backs a few months ago.
What’s done is done. The only thing I want now is to have some kind of basic relationship with her. I have reached out multiple times, but she won’t budge. I love my son and, by extension, her.
I don’t think I should be punished for bringing up my concerns. She refuses to communicate with me at all.
— WANTING BASIC COMMUNICATION
DEAR WANTING: The only person who can fix this is the person who started it — your son. You were within your rights as a mother to voice your concerns to him. He should not have run to his (then) girlfriend and blabbed.
Although you say his wife refuses to communicate, I assume that he still does. Tell him that if he would like to have a relationship with his parents, and for them to function as grandparents, he needs to start smoothing this over with his bride. The ball is now in his court.
DEAR ABBY: I need advice about a friend who is constantly downcast and clinically depressed. I have tried praying for her, lifting her up and encouraging her, but to no avail. At this point, I feel like she is determined to stay this way.
Sometimes I have to distance myself for a while because seeing her is exhausting. I have known her for two years, and she’s always like this.
Who doesn’t have problems?! This is life. Sometimes we’re happy, sometimes we’re not.
She takes it personally and starts to question our friendship if I don’t call her, check on her or visit. It has become overwhelming for me. I honestly don’t have the energy for her. I have my family to be concerned about.
I recently told her that sometimes she can be “a bit much,” and not to take it personally if I’m not always available. I also said my focus has shifted because my kids have classes and I’m back at work. I really need some advice on what to do about her.
— STRAINED FRIENDSHIP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR STRAINED: You stated that your friend is “clinically depressed.” Has she been diagnosed by a medical professional? If the answer to that question is yes, you should be telling her she needs to consult her physician because, after two years, her depression has not improved.
If she hasn’t been formally diagnosed, point her in that direction, which would enable her to gain access to medications and/or therapy that might help her. Do not allow her to guilt you into doing anything that’s too much for you because, if you continue, your resentment will only increase.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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