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Dear Amy: My husband and I are Israeli-American.
We live in the United States and have one child — an infant.
Before children, we agreed on a three-child minimum, but now that we have our baby, I feel very strongly about being a one-child family. My husband still wants to have more children.
We agreed we’d table the discussion for later and if we did have more kids, we would wait for several years.
With the war breaking out, he decided that he wants to go back to Israel to fight.
I’m against it. I am estranged from my family and have a job that moves me every couple of years, so I have no support system if he dies.
I told him I would promise him another child quickly if he stays home. I mean it.
I would rather keep my family whole and sacrifice myself for another baby than sacrifice him and have my family ripped apart.
I know I wouldn’t regret the baby once it’s here. But I feel selfish for keeping him home and I also feel manipulative for putting an offer he can’t resist on the table. But I just can’t bear the thought of losing him.
Please tell me what to do,
— Feeling Very Manipulative
Dear Feeling: As of this writing, the Israel-Hamas war is only days old, and you and your husband are no doubt devastated and reacting to this heartbreaking situation very quickly.
I suggest that if you and your husband agree to take some more time — even a few weeks — to make a decision about him returning to Israel, you might arrive at a solution to your dilemma that is less radical.
In my opinion, your offer to have another baby quickly in order to keep him home is, yes, manipulative, and not necessarily an answer that will ultimately serve your marriage or family well.
You have an infant at home and are so understandably overwhelmed that you decided not to have another. If you do have another baby quickly in order to keep your husband from military service, this will exert an extreme amount of pressure on all of you.
I believe there is a high likelihood that either of you will ultimately decide to renege on this deal, which is why you should not make it.
This seems like a life-altering dilemma to run past your rabbi or another trusted counselor in your community.
You should make immediate efforts to get a parental support system for yourself and your baby. Your synagogue likely has a mother-child group. You should join that and any other neighborhood groups you can find. Other parents in your community are likely facing similar devastating dilemmas; banding together will help all of you to feel less alone.
Dear Amy: I came into some money. I shared some of these funds with my daughters, with the intention that they would use the money to pay down the debt in their homes or to fix up their homes.
The youngest daughter did as I suggested, but the oldest daughter hasn’t done so.
It’s been over four months now, and she has only completed one small project on her home.
I’m disappointed by the lack of progress.
My wife thinks that when you give a gift, it’s theirs to decide what to do with it.
I’m curious about your thoughts about this.
— Disappointed Dad
Dear Disappointed: I’m with your wife. If your eldest daughter has consumer debt, it might be wisest to pay that down before investing in her home. She also might have used some of the funds to pay down her mortgage without discussing it with you.
And … it’s HER money. How do you know that? Because you gave it to her.
You don’t say what terms, if any, you attached to this gift, other than your preference for how your daughters should use it.
You could discuss this with your eldest daughter, restating your intentions, but otherwise I suggest that you should snip the tight strings you’ve attached to this gift.
Dear Amy: “Shocked by Reality” discovered her partner’s online infidelity after his death.
In case he did in fact sleep with any of these women during his relationship with the writer, she ought to get tested for STDs.
It’s the first thing I would do if it were me. I know blood/lab tests can be expensive, there are clinics where testing is offered free, discounted, or sliding scale (and also confidential).
— Certified Phlebotomist
Dear Phlebotomist: Great advice — thank you!
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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