Engagement: The final frontier? Couples get engaged but don’t marry

In the traditional story, first comes love. Then comes the engagement, and then comes marriage.

But some couples are throwing this relationship expectation out the window and staying committed to their partners through what becomes a permanent engagement—and nixing marriage altogether.

“There is a small contingent of younger couples that see engagement as the final level of commitment,” Jamie Singleton, Signet Jewelry’s group president and chief consumer officer, told Newsweek. “They don’t plan on having an actual ceremony, but they continue to celebrate milestones and anniversaries.”

Diamond sales are falling, wedding boutiques are on the decline with popular chain David’s Bridal filing for bankruptcy earlier this year, and overall, millennials and Gen Z are more skeptical of marriage than ever.

But what is fueling the long-term engagements?

Kara Kays, relationship therapist with Thriveworks, said the understanding and commitment of marriage is changing dramatically across generations.

“Engagements are promises for the future and a promise for the future can look different for every couple,” Kays told Newsweek. “While engagements are societally signaling a future marriage, this does not mean that people have to follow the rules.”

Many couples would rather invest money for a wedding into their other future goals, like buying a home or traveling together.

With inflation staying consistently high, more couples are anxious over a potential recession, causing them to delay their plans for weddings or suspend the event altogether.

Oscar Taylor, owner of Barrett Rifles, was engaged for more than six years before finally tying the knot.

For Taylor, it came down to finances. Both he and his wife have large families, and a wedding would have to fit at least 150 guests. That drove the cheapest cost for the affair up to $50,000 — for a dream wedding, that number would need to be closer to $75,000, he said.

“We had a little help from our family to cover the costs, but the fact is that we had to wait to simply be able to save up enough to pay for it all,” Taylor told Newsweek.

Taylor acknowledged that it’s more socially acceptable to live with a partner and even have kids outside of marriage than in years past, and this is part at play in the long engagements.

“In the past, weddings were much cheaper, and people generally waited to sleep together until they were married,” Taylor said. “There was way more social pressure to get hitched very young. Many would say this is how it ‘should’ be, but for us, it felt just right to wait.”

There are some pros to couples saying no but staying put in the committed confines of engagement.

“Relationships may become more resilient and grounded with couples having a deeper understanding of each other,” Bayu Prihandito, founder of Life Architekture and a certified psychology expert and life coach, told Newsweek.

But there are also pitfalls, especially when it comes to how your older family members might view you.

“This trend might also lead to societal misunderstandings, especially from older generations who hold traditional views,” Prihandito said.

Others are just opting against the traditional wedding ceremony or forgoing any official engagement altogether.

Sabrina Coleman, who runs the @overdramaticperson TikTok account, had a five-week engagement before having a courthouse ceremony. She and her partner opted against the traditional wedding reception for both financial and familial reasons.

While her choice was more traditional, Coleman has noticed a wave of people around her passing on marriage.

“I do think that people who do get engaged but ultimately do not marry do so because society has begun to view marriage simply as a social construct and see no point in obtaining the certificate if it is possible to live life with your partner in the same way,” Coleman told Newsweek. “Especially since the divorce rate is so high, many likely do not want to be financially attached to their partner if they were to part ways.”

Lorna McGachie is one of many who decided marriage wasn’t in the plans for her, despite having a life partner.

“The decision to not get married is an instinctive one,” McGachie told Newsweek. “I simply can’t see myself getting married and don’t see the benefit of having a ceremony. I wouldn’t take on my partner’s surname, and we’re already covered legally. I don’t like being the center of attention, either, so the thought of having all eyes on me fills me with dread.”

McGachie sees her decision as reflective of an entire millennial generation, as few of her friends are actually getting married, even if they are partnered up.

Millennials and Gen Z experienced many divorces from their own parents firsthand, which might also inspire them to test the waters with a longer engagement.

Others experienced divorce themselves and don’t see the point in going through the ordeal of actual marriage ever again, despite being committed to their partners.

This was the case for Jackie Pilossoph, founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, who has now gotten engaged to a new partner, with no plans of marriage in the future.

“Having gone through a painful and expensive divorce, getting engaged means committing to each other for life, living together, and growing old together,” Pilossoph told Newsweek. “I think more and more people are choosing to get engaged without a traditional wedding or any wedding because they want that commitment, but there’s no need to host a big wedding and have a marriage certificate.”

“People might think I want an easy out, just in case it doesn’t work out I can walk away easier, but that’s not how I feel at all. In fact, I feel closer in this relationship than I did when I was legally married.”

The choice to forgo is not necessarily only a decision made by never-been married millennials and Gen Z. Instead, it can be one based around your own life experience.

“So many divorced, older people are cautious because they don’t want to be divorced again. That pain isn’t something you forget easily,” Pilossoph said.

Divorces in the U.S. account for over 36 percent of total marriages in 2020, according to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data.

And as society progresses toward less traditional and more unconventional, many expect the forever engagement trend to continue as marriage rates meet steady declines.

Since the 1970s, marriage in the United States has dropped by 60 percent, with the median age climbing for both men and women.

“The economic climate isn’t particularly great, so people don’t have money to spend on expensive weddings,” McGachie said. “But even more than that, I think we’re shunning societal norms because we’re questioning why they’re normal in the first place.”