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Dear Amy: I can’t stand my wife’s family.
Things were great in the early years but became progressively worse over time.
Out of the blue my father-in-law insisted on being called “Sir” — after a decade of me calling him by his first name.
He worked hard and came from nothing, but acts like no one else but him can have a successful life or career.
He is ALWAYS passive-aggressive toward me.
My sister-in-law intentionally invaded my personal space and basically sexually harassed me in order to make me uncomfortable, in addition to directing insults at me in front of her parents.
My wife ignores or doesn’t acknowledge this, but after her sister admitted it and apologized to her (not me) for doing this, my wife acted like it’s no big deal.
The mother-in-law (RIP) would ignore me in my own house while visiting my kids.
I told my wife that I don’t want to be around her family; they make me uncomfortable and treat me like a loser. (I am a hard-working RN with a master’s degree).
Am I wrong for not wanting to be around them?
Should my wife lay off and let me be?
I don’t care if she sees them. I want to do right by our two young daughters.
Your advice?
— Done with In-laws
Dear Done: I think the essential problem here is with your relationship with your wife.
Based on your narrative, it seems that you haven’t pushed back at your in-laws’ mistreatment; nor has your wife encouraged you, defended you, or advocated for you with her family. If you and she had found a way to present a united front during your frequent contact with her family, you might have been able to basically teach them how to treat you. At this point you obviously feel bullied by all of them.
Because these in-laws seem to be in your life quite a bit (versus an occasional far-off visit), yes, you should limit your contact with them.
But I also urge you to seek professional counseling with your wife.
She seems to be in a strong alliance with her family, so if you simply withdraw completely from them, this alliance could turn into a widening gulf between you, which now would involve your children.
You don’t want these people to train your kids to bully you.
Dear Amy: A few years ago, my wife and I initiated a tradition of combining family members’ Christmas and birthday presents into one gift of cash so that each person could buy their gift of choice or save the money for another cause.
This concept worked fine until we were no longer able to travel to the Christmas gathering.
Our “gift” was delivered to our grandson, his wife and three great-grandchildren by another family member.
It has now been 11 months and we have not received a call or a note — or any acknowledgment thanking us for this gift.
We’re not talking about pocket change here; the gift for this family approached $3,000.
Our dilemma rests on what we should do for this family during the rapidly approaching holiday season.
Do we: A. Consider this an oversight and pretend that everything is fine?
B. Cancel the adults’ gift and give to the great-grandchildren only?
C. Reduce the amount?
D. Confront them about our disappointment?
We would appreciate any other options or recommendations you may have.
— Knee Deep
Dear Knee Deep: I’d recommend option E: Email or write to your grandchildren, first to make sure that they received this gift (perhaps you have a canceled check proving that they’ve cashed it), and second to ask why they haven’t acknowledged it. You might add, “We wish we could be with you to enjoy the holidays; this gift is our way of trying to contribute to your family’s holiday. If you don’t wish to receive a cash gift from us, please let us know and we will direct our giving elsewhere. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume that our gift is not needed, useful, or appreciated. We love you all very much and hope that this is an oversight or a glitch that can be cleared up soon.”
Dear Amy: Thank you for pointing out the nonsense behind some of these trendy “barnyard weddings.” Forcing guests to sit on hay bales? Ridiculous!
— A Fan
Dear Fan: No actual farmer would ask guests to sit on hay bales. I hope this trend passes with this year’s harvest.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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