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Dear Amy: I am writing to ask for your advice on my upcoming bridal shower.
I have a difficult relationship with my parents and sibling and I have worked to set boundaries in the past few years that have made me happier in general.
I no longer choose to feel personally responsible for their happiness or success, because they make their own choices and resist help.
My concern lies with my aunts and uncles.
During family events, they each pull me aside individually and expect details and personal conversations regarding my parents and sibling.
They make me feel personally responsible for these problems and the result is that I feel terrible for months.
What is a polite way to handle their questions on what is supposed to be a happy day for me?
I’m tired of my entire family life revolving around my immediate family’s drama.
— Dreading the Inevitable in Ohio
Dear Dreading: Landmark events (such as weddings and their attendant celebrations) can be nerve-wracking, especially in families like yours.
Your aunts and uncles, who presumably love and care about you, might not see you (or your parents) often, or privately.
Assuming even the kindest motives, they are using family gatherings to dig for intel about your folks.
One way to politely shut down an inappropriate line of questioning or conversation would be to look the person in the eye, perhaps touch their arm, and say, “Let’s not do this right now. Thank you for coming to my shower. I want everybody to have a good time today.”
You say that they make you feel responsible for family problems, but how you interpret these inquiries and conversations is up to you.
You’ve done a good job at setting boundaries with your challenging immediate family. You could do some work on your own (or with a therapist’s help) to discern why piercing this veil causes you to feel responsible — and terrible — over family drama you have no role in perpetuating.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been tossing around the idea of sending our oldest daughter to preschool next school year.
We’re both extremely nervous because of the state of the schooling system in the United States. At the same time, I’m nervous about whether they would be a good enough teacher for my daughter.
Right now, she’s doing so well! She’s so smart! She asks questions that even make me do some research!
I’m just worried about her long-term education, especially anything with math.
Is it possible to homeschool her for a few years and then send her to school? Or do I have to decide to either homeschool until she graduates or public school until she graduates?
My husband is very much convinced that it’s one way or no way. As in, if we start homeschooling, then we continue until she’s gotten her degree.
— Want the Best
Dear Want the Best: You and your husband don’t seem to have done even cursory research about your schooling options. Reach out to other parents and research local schools and homeschooling support.
Your local elementary school might be great! And the impact of a quality preschool experience for your daughter will last for many years.
Yes, you can start in school and then decide to homeschool later, but not if one parent believes that it’s “one way or no way.”
Dear Amy: You recently answered a letter from “Ivy Leaguer’s Wife” concerning a man who felt uncomfortable wearing his Ivy League school’s logo because he would feel like an elitist.
I am a Navy veteran and often wear a ballcap with my old ship’s name, picture of it and years it was in service. I don’t want to be elitist either, but I am proud of my service and the cap is often a real conversation starter. I also sometimes meet others who’ve served on the ship.
Your thoughts, please?
— Navy Vet
Dear Vet: There is no question that serving our country in the military puts you in an “elite” category of citizens, but I don’t believe it is elitist to demonstrate your pride of service and sacrifice.
Ivy League graduates have reasons to be proud of their accomplishments, but in my opinion, graduating from an Ivy League law school, while challenging, does not rise to the level of risk and sacrifice that serving in the military does.
Another difference between you and “Ivy Leaguer’s Wife” is that he does not want to wear his school’s logo. You do! After all, it’s a free country (thanks in part to you and yours).
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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