‘We’re trying to have a baby — planned sex is awkward’

This week, we hear from Jenny*, who describes trying to have a baby with her husband as ‘quite a strange experience’.

Jenny, who’s 35 and heterosexual, says: ‘Sex is concentrated on every day for almost a week, and then rarely outside of that,’ she adds.

‘When I was younger I felt far more confident, particularly about my body, and loved the idea of an evening ending in sex (or even better, a morning starting with it).

‘In my 30s, I’ve noticed so many changes in my body and mental health, and sex feels higher stakes. Although I always enjoy it at the time, I find I sometimes need to build up the courage to get going.’

Even though she’d like her sex life to be a bit more spontaneous and frequent — ‘and not only based on my ovulation cycle!’ — she does say that she orgasms every time.

Without any further ado, here’s how she got on this week…

Warning: The following is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Sunday

I’ve been using an app that tracks my ovulation, and today was potentially the first day of my fertile period — meaning there’s a chance to get pregnant, although it’s hard to know exactly which day I’m going to ovulate. I’ve been peeing on ovulation sticks too to better understand it all.

I’d flagged with my partner which dates we should do the deed this month. In previous months, I’ve found it stressful to be the one initiating sex all the time as it feels quite contrived, so recently I’ve been sending him a screenshot and reminding him it’s a shared job.

We went to bed late after watching TV on the sofa, and he was in bed first waiting for me. When I joined him we had a cuddle and some foreplay. Whenever it’s planned sex I can feel a little awkward, and tonight I keep making jokes and giggling, he shuts me up with some lovely kisses.

When we finish it’s nearly 1am, and we vow to not leave it until the end of the day tomorrow.

Monday

I wasn’t feeling good today, lots of anxiety which I couldn’t shake.

A friend came over to dinner and the three of us chatted about work, friendships, and our experience of dating apps until late.

I felt better when they left but didn’t feel like having sex, and as it turned out my app said I wasn’t likely to actually ovulate until Thursday, so we gave it a miss. 

Tuesday

I started the day with a class at the gym which really helped shift some anxiety and gave me energy for the day. It was sunny and at lunch I went for an outdoor swim, enjoying some of the last of the warm weather. 

In the evening I went to a local comedy event, which is always really fun, and when I got home I made use of all of the endorphins of the day by taking the lead in bed.

There’s various advice about not using lube, which can slow down sperm, or saliva for the same reason (although I think this needs to be in large amounts to have an effect), which can, quite literally, be a pain. I really enjoy going down on him, so I did it anyway, and the sex afterwards was really fun.  

Wednesday

I woke up with anxiety again, and we had a cuddle, but no morning sex. I usually prefer it in the morning, I find it fun to come onto him as he’s waking up and it’s such a fun way to start the day. 

In the evening we headed into central London to meet some family. We had a heavy dinner (burgers and chips), which never makes me feel like being intimate afterwards. But today is possibly ovulation day — I saw two strong lines on my test yesterday — so we made the most of it.  

Thursday

This morning we had a doctor’s appointment to discuss fertility tests and to get some reassurance that we are doing all the right things — cutting down on alcohol, having regular sex, and staying generally healthy. I hate it when they tell me to ‘try to relax’.

We discussed anxiety medication for me and the doctor said that although there may be some effect on conception, a ‘happy mum equals a happy baby’. 

We both felt reassured after the appointment and when we had sex that evening, my partner went longer than he ever had.

There’s a funny feeling after sex when trying to conceive, I find myself wondering, was that it? Did we just make our baby? And despite knowing it’s a myth that a certain position is more successful, or that lying with my legs up against a wall might help, I still lie quite still for a minute or so, a little scared to do anything to interrupt the process. This doesn’t last long as I inevitably have to pee. 

Friday

I always feel much more relaxed on a Friday, the whole weekend spanning out in front of me.

The day was busy, and in the evening we went to shul before heading to a cinema miles away from our house, because we had free tickets. It rained, and we didn’t have an umbrella or proper coats and sat there shivering our way through the film. At one point I fell asleep.

By the time we got home, I wanted a hot shower more than anything and my partner was asleep by the time I got into the bedroom – no sex tonight.

Saturday

I went to an early yoga class, leaving him in bed, and when I got home started one of those manic deep cleans of the kitchen, the kind that goes on for hours, and you won’t do again for a year (or perhaps ever).

Cleaning does not make me feel sexy at all, I start to see dirt everywhere and the last thing I want to do is share bodily fluids. 

My partner had work to do and cleaned the bathroom. We feel very mid-thirties and watched War of the Worlds instead of sex tonight. 

*Names have been changed.

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