Miss Manners: Can we tell the in-laws what wedding gift would be appropriate?
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can we offer ways to give wedding gifts without implying that they are expected?
My daughter’s fiance comes from a different country. Most of his parents’ friends and family will not be able to attend the wedding, but have requested instructions for gift-giving. Registries are not common where we live, and cash gifts are the norm. Mailing checks in a different currency is not practical.
We will be sending a streaming link to all those who cannot attend, and we have considered that this email would also be a useful place to point out how gifts can be sent, for those who wish to do so. We have received such links in the past, and frankly, it’s a convenient way to send cash gifts: no fear of checks being stolen, lost, deposited late, etc. But it still feels wrong to suggest it.
Is there any phrasing that makes it clear that there is no expectation of a gift, but that those who are moved to give one can avail themselves of a convenient link — one that will work in their country and ensure the gift is received by the happy couple abroad?
GENTLE READER: Yes. Give instructions only to those who have asked for them.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years into the pandemic, I have been lucky to have had just two close calls with COVID, both while traveling for work. I am quite good about wearing a mask whenever I am indoors.
In both cases, I was exposed while dining with the infected person, who may have been asymptomatic at the time of the meal. On the first occasion, the exposure required me to reroute my return trip, at some inconvenience. On the second occasion, I had to isolate in a hotel room for nearly a week before flying home.
I was disappointed that in neither case did the person offer an apology.
Is a person who likely transmitted COVID to another person obliged to apologize for doing so? Or are we at a point where people have given up fighting the disease and feel no obligation toward others?
GENTLE READER: Or have they just given up apologizing, on the grounds that it implies guilt?
Of course, these individuals did not intend to give you COVID. Being asymptomatic, they may have felt they had taken reasonable precautions.
But equally of course, they should be sorry that they infected you. Very sorry, and very apologetic. Even if they did not know about having given it to you, they should have been in touch with anyone they might have exposed.
People seem to have the notion that saying “I’m sorry” is an admission of guilt that might be used against them (when actually, apologies have been known to head off lawsuits). The word “sorry” is now so connected with the idea of purposeful wrongdoing that people who express sympathy to the bereaved are sometimes asked, “Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault.”
It is too bad, because apologies help smooth the rough parts of life. Miss Manners hopes you feel better — physically, if not about society.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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