Should I come out to my fiancé as bisexual? I don’t know how he’ll react

I haven’t told anyone, and he would be the first person I go to with secrets – but it scares me. It’s not just his reaction, but I think a lot about what his family may say. There are a couple of times his parents have made off-hand comments about gay people that we just put it down to old age. But I’m not so sure anymore.

My boyfriend isn’t homophobic, we’ve spoken about LGBTQ+ issues and he’s always been an ally – I just wonder whether it will change when it’s about me.

I don’t know how to do this or if it would affect the engagement. How should I tell him?

Thanks, Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Congratulations on your engagement.  

It is important you have come to terms with your true self and accepted your sexuality. However, sharing your feelings with your partner is just as important.

Your boyfriend being an LGBTQ+ ally is one thing, but he may be under the impression you are in a heterosexual relationship, or he may not be surprised at all by what you tell him. 

Sometimes, those closest to you may already know!

Either way, all relationships should be built with honest and open communication. You clearly need to sit down together and have this discussion. 

Find the right time and place without distractions. Pick a moment when you are both relaxed and can give each other your full attention.

Remember that your partner may need time to understand and process the information. Be patient and allow him the space to ask questions and seek clarification.

Discuss the future, your dreams and goals, and whether they still align or whether this changes the plans you both had. 

This is not an easy conversation, but you must be clear before you take your next steps in life. 

Reiterate your love for him and your commitment to your relationship. Assure him that it does not change your feelings for him or your desire to marry him.

Explain your journey and how you have come to terms with your sexuality. Be honest about your fears and concerns but reiterate the support he has shown for LGBTQ+ issues. 

Coming out is a significant step towards living an authentic life. While it can be nerve-wracking, it is also a chance for you both to grow closer.

However, you have to prepared that it could also have the opposite effect and change your relationship forever should his react disappoint you.

You have to be open and not fixed to any outcome.

But the power to speak your mind and share your true feelings is liberating, and is something that can give you real clarity and freedom.

Address your concerns about his family, particularly their comments towards LGBTQ+ people and how they may react to your news.

Ask for his thoughts and views on this matter and whether he believes it might affect your relationship with them moving forward. His parents may be older, or they just may be narrow-minded – being narrow-minded can be anyone at any age!

Work through your worries about his parents’ reactions together.  

But you should have this conversation with your partner sooner rather than later. Coming out as bisexual can be a liberating and empowering experience. 

Wishing you well, living a happy and authentic life.

Best wishes,

Alison

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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