The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

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Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

— michaela okland (@MichaelaOkla) November 14, 2023

hosting one of my guy friends this weekend too. i have no idea how many beers to provide a 27 year old man. 20? 100? i feel like nasa with the tampons.

— grace holland🐰 (@thebiggestyee) November 15, 2023

What I love about TV- sometimes the stakes are a bomb in a body cavity and sometimes the stakes are: pic.twitter.com/Anz5KkWx2n

— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) November 13, 2023

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) November 14, 2023

I am NOT letting my kid get a smartphone EVER. Mostly because my partner & I are both still on our parents’ plans, so idk how the logistics would work out

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) November 14, 2023

using a leaf blower is deeply attention seeking behavior

— chase (@_chase_____) November 16, 2023

i think i’ll find the cure for depression in the knick knack section of a thrift store

— clare (@sadderlizards) November 15, 2023

“I’m a people pleaser” is officially the new “I’m an empath.” The worst person you’ve ever met thinks they’re a people pleaser. Never pleased a person in their life

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) November 14, 2023

When a restaurant only has their own homemade ketchup.I’m like don’t you know hubris is the hero’s fatal flaw

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) November 15, 2023

LOOK
AT
THE
NAMES pic.twitter.com/O9gdjbrTPa

— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) November 15, 2023

My favorite new way to annoy men is to tell them I'm a woman in STEM because I do social media for a tech company.

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) November 14, 2023

going to my friends to get ready https://t.co/gUXJkNXtXd

— 🇵🇸 (@venusian_doll) November 13, 2023

i want a reverse hallmark movie where the heroine convinced some christmas-loving freak that it's weird to like a holiday that much

— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) November 15, 2023

Look at me, saving all this time by typing add'l

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 16, 2023

i am literally in a state that would get me sent to the seaside for my health in olden times

— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) November 15, 2023

I can’t remember shit until my husband utters the words “you never told me that”, and I morph into freaking Rain Man.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 13, 2023

just finished my christmas tree pic.twitter.com/lxCE7e2VSX

— 2000s (@PopCulture2000s) November 14, 2023

there's a first date between two hot people sitting next to me at this coffee shop and the guy just asked "wait what texture is she?" about the woman's cat alkfj;lksdj and the even funner part is she answered without missing a BEAT

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 15, 2023

You’re still a bad ass, I whisper to myself as I wander around Home Goods looking for festive hand towels and pot holders.

— Marissa💚💛 (@michimama75) November 13, 2023

authors are always “bending” genres, “busting” or “breaking” them. why not try giving a genre a loving caress or a little kiss on the head

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) November 16, 2023

Me: *wakes up on time*

Also me:*lays there until l'm late* pic.twitter.com/XdcBZ5I8GK

— Invis🧜♀️ (@invis4yo) November 12, 2023

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (my witch aunts cast a spell to find me love, which led me to a hot grocer who tragically died bc of an ancestral curse, but then I meet another guy who was the result of a love spell I did as a child.)

— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) November 13, 2023

I for one am shocked https://t.co/usLoudXid7

— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) November 16, 2023

every bowen yang sketch reads like he was trying to explain niche online gay zoomer culture to the rest of the snl writers room and they just went “perfect, let’s do it” and he’s like “i haven’t even gotten to the skit concept yet. i’ve just been explaining who troye sivan is”

— Polly Pocket’s ex-situationship (@ladiedbird) November 13, 2023

My mom sent me a draft of our Christmas card and it’s collage of my siblings with their significant others and then me at the eras tour ….. classic pic.twitter.com/S5LVZydieE

— maya (@allmychampagne) November 13, 2023

taylor swift is just like me fr like I too will lose my damn mind and start acting foolish when presented with a man who’s got charisma and incredible arms

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 12, 2023

waiting for the cashier to notice me after I screw up the self check out again pic.twitter.com/XnoX0LZCNx

— PYPER🍒 (@badbbyaera) November 12, 2023

19 year old girl at work called me over and asked me if i had a facebook and i said "yeah i guess i have an account" then she turned to another girl and was like "see i told you" then they both started laughing

— visual basic (@visualbasic97) November 13, 2023

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

— Lovely Potatoes (@robin_991) November 14, 2023

taylor swift in 2011: from when your brooklyn broke my skin and bones i’m a soldier who’s returning half her weight, and did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? just between us, did the love affair maim you too?

travis kelce in 2011: i just gave a squirle a peice of bread pic.twitter.com/VSqRoG2TcY

— veronica 19/11 (@folklorexcvi) November 15, 2023

Don’t you feel like maybe the name “Newfoundland” was intended as a placeholder?

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) November 16, 2023

Screen time down 14% last week pic.twitter.com/79tIQ5YmF0

— Rose Dommu (@rosedommu) November 12, 2023

hey do any friends wanna grab a drink* this week

*become personally responsible for upholding my entire sense of self, tell me I’m good at my job and shouldn’t quit, give me a reason any reason at all to go on, remind me what makes life worth it, then chat about who we’re dating

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) November 13, 2023

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